Not another pain poem!

Running on an empty tank flat tyres no air
Staring my pain in the eye in disbelief like how are you still here
Days turn to months I’ve lost count of the years
Reservoirs run dry I’m all out of tears

Then I remember the power I hold, the strength I have within 
Some days are harder than others but everyday I wake it’s a win

Everyday I keep on going, mentally fighting physically I keep on trying 
Pushing through the pain barrier if I said it was easy I’d be lying

At your weakest try and find the courage to smile through your troubles
You’ll develop an unwavering strength to face lifes hurdles

So keep on rising, you’ve come so far lets keep on fighting till the end
Smile, cry, scream, laugh, I know some days you’re okay other days you pretend
..but its okay, do whatever you need to do to get you through the day

-Dionne MT-

Breathe Think Write Release

Chronic pain quotes
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To Self Medicate Or Not? Sleepless Nights..

Should I sip this morphine or just lay here in vain 
Awake through the night sleeping 9am till midday
Is it the pain or just my mind playing tricks playing games
Games of cat and mouse chasing thoughts away
Back fourth up down, round and round my mind keeps on spinning 
Like a hamster on a wheel my thoughts keep on running
No shut down no off switch, no good night I’ll see you in the morning 
The dark silent room awakes it, I’m saying good night she tells me good morning 
Throw the pain in on top, oh it’s one big lovely mess in a blender 
Blitzing the concoction, today to the morphine should I surrender
So much pain, silently rocking eyes closed I try to meditate 
Deep breaths in and out holding out before I self medicate
Maybe I’ll just lay here deep in thought and write
Till my bodys so spent till the birds are tweeting till I see daylight
Maybe.. Maybe not

-Dionne MT-

Breathe Think write Release

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Chronic Pain.. I’ll say I’m ok

Deafening Silence

Deafening silence. Still I could not be heard

I wear my pain like a foghorn
Somedays my silence kills the room
Learning to dance in the rain
Learning to fight through the pain
Heavy clouds fill my eyes by day
Night falls banks burst pillows stain
Everyday pain every night pain
Across my face you may not see this pain
But listen in closly you’ll hear my pain

Its been four years maybe more of living with pain

Chronic pain. 

After awhile you stop speaking about it. After a while you stop complaining. It’s very hard to explain that at every single moment of everyday you are feeling pain.

A point comes when you want to take all your prescribed drugs in hope of a good nights sleep. Doctors will give you any drug you want as not to feel useless in your struggle. Take some more mophine lets not think about the lovely side effects and addictive properties it possesses. So many who do not know about these drugs are now hooked, self medicating to numb the pain or is it now to feed their addiction. I’ve been there but luckily I saw what was going on, be it not at the time but eventually. I’m now the one asking my doctor isn’t there something else you can give me instead of all these opiates. A point comes when you don’t even want to take any more medication, it becomes too much filling your body with drugs constantly in the hope of masking the problem.

A point comes when all you have left for the pain is silence. I can not feed into it any longer, I can not give it any more strength. I’m going to starve it with silence. To my pains and frustration I will now say.. I am ok and ok I shall be

-Dionnd MT-

Breathe Think Write Release

Releasing.. Meltdown preventing 

A pain so insane my core temperature is constantly rising
Sometimes I don’t even understand how I’m really surviving
My pain threshold will deceive you
The way I smile to get through
The way I keep going will mislead you
To drown in self pity is the day I’ll rue
Chronic pain orthopaedic sufferers I see you, I feel your pain
Honestly this road is so hard to understand unless you’ve driven in this lane
5am is fast approaching, im not complaining I’m releasing
Meltdown preventing I’d rather be sleeping, my strengths I’m remembering
All that I need to overcome my situation is already within me
We’re only given what we can handle is what I truly believe

-Dionne MT-

Breathe Think Write Release

Everything you need is already inside you

My Shoulder Journey Continues..

When your spine is no longer straight and your shoulder bones are trying to escape out your back all you can do is stay positive and be patient.

Here’s goes my long awaited shoulder update.
So I’ve put of writing this update for so long for a number of reasons. Firstly my mind wasn’t in the right place to talk about it, I was frustrated that after so long I was still in the same position, this has been going on since 2013. After thinking my last surgery in February would be my last one and with everything that happened with me being admitted after surgery, falling whilst in hospital the whole ordeal had my back up. It can be very frustrating knowing deep down inside yourself that something still isn’t right, especially when on paper everything should be ok. Due to the way the system works there was nothing I could do but go through the motions before my doctor even considered performing a CT and MRI scan to see if the surgery had been a success. After months of playing the system, doing hydrotherapy and physiotherapy I took matters into my own hands. I’ve been going through this for such a long time now I understand exactly how it works and what you need to say to get what you want. It’s a shame this is the way the system work at times but I’m just being honest, you know your body better than anyone. Don’t let the system play you, unfortunately sometimes you have to play the system at their own game.

Long story short the anchors currently in my shoulder have not held, my shoulder is currently in a constant subluxed position meaning it’s not in the socket properly. One wrong move and it’s fully dislocated. I’m still in constant pain. Imagine.
Secondly the reason I’ve refrained from writing about this shoulder is because I needed to try and not focus on it, I knew I’d have to wait a significant amount of time before anything could be done. What would be the point in going on about it, especially if i didn’t have anything positive to say. It would have just made it worse so I kept it to myself as much as possible and tried to just get on with it. Staying positive knowing something would eventually be done.

So here we are 9 months later and I’m waiting to have more surgery. This procedure is the last chance to give me back some normality and I’m doing everything in my power to make sure my body and mind are in the right place for when it happens. My recovery and long term prospects depend on it.

Surgery

I will be having the Latarjet procedure performed under open surgery. This procedure in simple terms involves moving some bone with its muscle from one part of the shoulder and then attaching it to the front of my shoulder socket to secure it. Honestly there’s much more to it but I’m not going to go into the technical bits and bobs because it could get confusing, I’ll leave a few links below for those who are interested in the science.

I’m feeling really positive about the procedure and I trust my surgeon completely, he’s one of the best at what he does. This procedure is more complicated than any I’ve had before and the recovery will be longer but the prognosis is really good. Once I have this procedure I’ll be sorted for good this time..seriously this time will be different. I’m laughing because this is like dejavu, but I really mean it it feels different this time.

The next few weeks are really going to test my patience. It’s almost as if my body knows surgery is coming up so it has said, hey why not let’s go all out to give Dionne a pain to remember. Let’s not mention the fact it’s suddenly dropped by about 10 degrees. Today I’ve found myself in a&e with pains so bad I thought it was dislocated, not to worry guys just a really bad subluxation nothing I can’t handle right. Sometimes you have to laugh or else you simply just cry feeling sorry for yourself. Why me? Life’s not fair! How much more can I take type of situation. Don’t get me wrong these thoughts do cross my minds at times but that’s as far as I can allow it to go. If I get into a negative mind space about the situation the pain only gets worse. I have to keep going, I have to fight through the pain and stay positive knowing that there is still something they can do to fix it.


Everything above the line I actually wrote a few weeks ago but forgot to post it, as I do! This update has literally been sitting in my drafts collecting dust. Instead of being weeks away my surgery is now only days away. I made it guys!! I watched the procedure on YouTube last week and I’ve just realised I’m going to have actual screws inside my shoulder, to be honest until I watched it I didn’t realise how complicated the procedure was. Watching it has made me feel even more positive about the outcome, once they’re finished my shoulder will be so secure, there is no way it can dislocate after they’re done with me. I’m so excited, once the rehabilitation process is through I’m going to come back stronger than ever. I’m so confident about this whole process. I know this is just the beginning again and it’s going to be hard work but in the long run it will be worth it.

So there you have it, my shoulder update. Wish me luck guys it’s all or nothing now.

My shoulder journey continues..

-Dionne MT-

Breathe think Write Release

It all began with this post:Do you believe me now?! Never give up..
Followed by:Shoulder Update
Click Here to read more posts from my shoulder journey.

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