When I have these moments of thought and reflection, I always get these revelations but then forget them because I didn’t write them down. Sometimes I get so deep In my thoughts I just sit in them allowing them to go off, but the best way for me to get the most out of being me is to write it out. It always has been.
This is going to sound random but I just realised when I’m working out exercising I’m so happy. I love to be active, I have to be active. Since injuring my knee back in college that’s when things changed. Even more now that my shoulder is injured my active lifestyle has changed drastically.
I have all this energy and nowhere for it go. When I was actively working out or playing sports it was fine. I didn’t really notice it, it didn’t affect me. I get it, I’m a very hyper person naturally, I’ve realised it’s just who I am. My energy level can go from one extreme to another, just like that. When I’m sitting still I’m buzzing, always on the go can’t sit still or do one thing at a time. Night time comes and I wonder why I can’t sleep, all this energy and nowhere for it to go.
I think when I was younger I never really noticed my adhd because I was so active. When I think back to the amount of activities I was involved in growing up it’s actually funny. Serious competitive sports, at one point after school I’d do 2 hours athletics training at the tracks then run to netball training for another 2 hours. At school I was in every sports club you had going, trampolining, football, volleyball, badminton whatever was going I was involved. I was smart but always acting up in class causing random trouble for no real reason, getting kicked out of lessons. Now I get it class was a bit too calm for me, I had all this energy and nowhere for it to go. Luckily for me some of the older children and teachers took me under their wing, they saw I wasn’t actually bad, there was more to it we just didn’t know what at the time. I came out with great GCSEs, they could have been even better if I was aware of what I am aware of now but at the same time they could have been much worse if I was labelled a troublemaker and not given a chance by those amazing teachers and friends who supported me.
When I was young I use to get random racing moments where I’d be still but everything around me including my thoughts and heart beat were going ten times faster. It’s like an outer body experience.. surreal, you can feel the speed, sometimes I’d close my eyes or let out a frustration make it stop scream. Back then it would only happen randomly now this is everyday life for me except when I’m trying to meditate, repeating my ‘mind is at peace’ trying to get my internal to slow down and sync in with my external environment.
When I’m at work that’s a period in my day when I feel at home. I actually love work, it’s perfect for me right now. It’s so busy and crazy at work, being a senior technician I’m always on the go doing ten things at once, solving problems, having ideas, doing this, doing that it never stops. In fast paced environments I excel, I think this is the main reason I have progressed so well in my pharmacy career to date. Hospitals are busy, hospital pharmacies can be mental. I find it ok but others might hate it or crumble under the constant stress and pressure. The situation can become difficult for me if mentally I’ve got a lot going on which I’ve allowed to creep into my mind space at work.
Let me explain. When I think about my mind and how it thinks about a thousand things at once I imagine my brain having lots of little compartments, each compartment has a separate mind inside which is free to think about a topic as if it was the only mind, but all are working at the same time. Being aware I know each compartment is there, I can open one and tune in deeper to those thoughts but the others are still simultaneously working independently of each other. Does that make sense?
Well when I’m at work at least 90% of those compartments have to be work related or else I get overwhelmed and confused. I can’t think fast enough, I can’t open specific compartments, they all start opening and mixing at will it’s just a mess. In general work is great hence why when I’m off from work sick it drives me mad. My worse nightmare would be an office job!!
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post I’m just writing. Some things call for a raw uncut version, maybe you’ll understand me better this way. There is no plan as I think I write, as my thoughts go off I try to keep up. This is how I used to operate with my actions, acting at the pace I was thinking, no time to tune in deeper, just doing.
Being aware is the best thing ever because when you are, you can take control of everything. Now, instead of acting out quickly I use this fast thinking over hyper skill to my benefit, in the space of a few seconds I’ve already thought of a thousand possible things, replies, I’ve seen tomorrow, predicted the future and decided the outcome of what I want. I act.
This post started because I was thinking about how much I love working out.
Basically I can not wait until my shoulder is better. I’ve been putting of writing a shoulder update for a while but I will do one soon as it’s well overdue. Honestly I’ve just haven’t had anything great to say about it but positive thinking and all, things will get better. Until then I’m going to do what I can do on my side to help the situation. I am someone who NEEDS to be active.
Recently I’ve started trying to work out lightly at home and although it’s not the vigorous activity I’d like I’ve noticed the difference instantly. For one I’ve felt happier, i’ve got so much energy to burn.
I’ve briefly touched on the hyper side of adhd as this is where it took me but there is so much more to it. When you think of adhd you automatically associate it with a badly behaving toddler or child when really so many adults are affected, everyday life and simple activities can be a real struggle for someone with adhd especially if they are unaware. When you are aware it doesn’t have to be a negative.
I’m going to wrap this up as I can go all day spiralling from topic to topic just talking. I guess my closing point and reason for sharing this in the first place is to show you it’s ok to be different. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Make it work for you and it will. It’s not always about medication or changing who you are. There is a place for everyone in this world. Own who you are, don’t shy away. People have already spotted you before you spotted yourself so don’t worry just do you.
Make it work for you
Breathe Think Write Release