For years I was being this person who I thought I was suppose to be, playing this role I thought I had to play. So blinded, so naive, a sheep. The thing is when you don’t truly know yourself you are easily led. You mimic those around you as to fit in.
Coming out in London wasn’t the easiest of rides, compared to some I’d say I came out quite late. I entered what is know as “The Scene” back then it wasn’t how it is now. For example to be transgender was almost unheard of, in the black community I’d say being young, ignorant and uneducated on the matter we almost frowned upon it. I look back and I see how we created so many problems for those who were possibly trans, which in turn caused problems for those who weren’t. What we had was a scene full of women of which some actually wanted to be guys but at the time for so many reason they didn’t feel able to express that.
For someone like me who was just a woman who liked to dress in a way I felt comfortable, all of a sudden you’re surrounded by women who look like you in appearance but are actually acting like men. They do not want to embrace their feminine features or allow others too. It was wrong to show your feminine side, we created division and hate amongst ourselves. The scene that I remember entering looking back was an angry place, the energy was all wrong filled with envy and hatred. Instead of supporting and empowering each we we’re being our own downfalls. That Is a dangerous world to enter into if you are trying to find yourself because before you know it, you’re acting a certain way, overcompensating trying to play a role you do not understand nor is yours to play.
Some of us grew up, some of us have opened our minds. We are no longer naive to such things, so many women who were presenting themselves as lesbian studs have now accepted they are transgender. It makes me happy to think we’ve taken these steps forward because this is where all the confusion comes in.
A lesbian does not want to be a man. Although a women may dress to embrace their masculine side it does not mean she wants to be a man. There is no man in a lesbian relationship. Why is that such a hard concept to understand?
Life is not as black and white as people make it out to be.
All these labels we gives ourselves do nothing but put us in a box. Think about it, who made these labels? Who made these definitions? Fem, stud, butch, tommy, stem.. do not believe the lies guys it’s all a joke, there is no rule book. If one day you feel like wearing baggy pants because that’s what you want to do and the next some skinny jeans do what you like. Who made anyone the judge and jury on how to be. Do not let society tell you how to dress, how to act. The bottom line is regardless of whatever label you assign yourself you are a woman, when you are naked with your partner it’s two women. If you don’t like that then you are probably transgender and that’s ok. Be true to yourself, honesty will set you free.
I look back and I’m glad I’m no longer that person. Pretending to be something I was not. Before I went to university I tried to be girly, when I came out something else. Inner conflict, anger issues, not knowing where I fitted in or who I was..what a mess I wonder why. I am simply just me, a woman in all it’s beautiful glory unapologetically embracing my masculinity within.
Ive learnt a lot of lessons along my journey, but since awakening my consciousness, opening my eyes even more so. Just be yourself guys do not follow anyone to fit in, trends change people lie. Some will present themselves one way in public but behave a different way in private, lie about the things they do as to say they are not a woman entitled to do such things.. It’s all a lie follow no one. Know yourself. Be you, whatever that means to you be that person. Do not be ashamed of who you are just be honest to yourself. In the end we are all just energy, our physical being carrying our soul. None of the outside matters, everything is perception. Gay, straight, bi, trans, a day will come where none of that will matter. Stay focusing on the inside whilst dressing however you like.
Do not compromise your values or beliefs just because your surroundings change. Stay authentic.
Who am I? I am she.
Breathe Think Write Release
Help & Support:
- The Gender Trust
- Ftm London
- Gay and Lesbian Support Groups
- S.P.I.C.E for Black & Minority LBTQ Women
Check out galop.org.uk for a more extensive list of organisations which may be of interest to the LGBT community, friends and family.